


I'll Find Repose in New Ways

by wonderfilledblue



Series: Our Tomorrow [2]
Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Canon Compliant, M/M, Post-Departure, Post-KrisHanTao
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-06
Updated: 2018-07-06
Packaged: 2019-06-06 08:49:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,248
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15191165
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wonderfilledblue/pseuds/wonderfilledblue
Summary: “...Hyung, you’ll stay with us, right?”“I promise you, Sehun-ah.”





	I'll Find Repose in New Ways

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [stop and stare, for EVERYONE](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/395528) by chuyeol. 



> I wrote this a long time ago, back in 2016. This is actually a second part to a fic and had planned on writing a third (as different fics), but I'm not sure if I'll ever get to the third. So it's just been sitting in my drive, and I thought might as well post it even if I don't continue the story.
> 
> Also even though both parts are part of a series, they can still be read separately as individual fics. I had planned to have them in order as a set of three, but since I haven't written the third part then the two don't necessarily have to be read together, yet I guess it might help if they were.
> 
> Also, sorry if I got any canonical facts wrong. Again, I wrote this a while ago and I'm not sure if I got everything right.
> 
> I won't let HunHan die 

_**01 October 2016, Fukuoka Airport** _

_**(20 days before Catch Me When I Fall M/V release)** _

Lu Han doesn't even know why he’s there.

The Fighter of the Destiny crew was taking a short break, so he had the weekend off. Of course, he had really only planned to spend the time making a short two-day trip to Tokyo in order to discuss final plans for his upcoming mini-album series, but somehow he had ended up stranded in Fukuoka.

Naturally, the label did have a branch based in Taiwan, but considering he was banned from setting foot in that country until 2018 made meeting there slightly more difficult.

Lu Han curses. Why had he even signed with that one goddamn show?

The cursing, in turn, causes a mother strolling innocently by with her young son to flash a glare at him and pull on the boy’s chubby hand to a different set of seats. Lu Han wonders briefly if the woman recognized him. After all, his past -- ahem -- _involvements_ were certainly more or less internationally well-publicised, but he had taken the effort to look unrecognizable. Black jeans. White T-shirt. Red hoodie. Medical masks weren't uncommon in Japan, right? Nothing extreme, nothing abnormal. He was just a typical Asian dude currently hating his life.

Lu Han decides that he honestly doesn’t even give half a fuck at this point if people recognize him and proceeds to knock violently on the armrest of the chair with his knuckles. He can't believe his luck. He honestly hates flying so much and the fact that he has to take an extra flight was not in the least bit appealing. One of the upsides to working primarily in mainland China was that he didn’t have to take so many flights back and forth from his workplace and variety locations, creating less opportunities to plummet out of the sky and kick the fucking bucket, giving people less chances to recognize him and--

“Oppa!”

Lu Han cringes internally.

Couldn’t a typical Asian dude hate his life in peace? Really, he did love his fans, but could they not just leave him to wallow in his misery and misfortune alone and without emotional support or touching words of love? Despite his woes, however, he forces his ever-charming smile on his face (even though it's blocked by the mask, but it's the thought that counts, right?) and turns towards the direction of the voice.

But for some reason he can’t locate it, and Lu Han sees a young couple also turn their heads in confusion. Lu Han can’t blame them because the use of a Korean title, in Japan, to a Chinese celebrity was ever so slightly odd.

“Oppa!”

Again that sensitive yet oh-so-familiar word, and Lu Han sees the couple turn around and converse rapidly in Mandarin.

_“Is ‘oppa’ a word in Japanese?”_

_“Er, I’m pretty sure that was Korean.”_

The shouts of broken Korean get louder.

_“Surely not…?”_

_“Didn't you say that EXO was going on tour around this time...?”_

…?!

_“...They have three concerts in Fukuoka.”_

 

* * *

 

_**14 June 2013, backstage of KBS Music Bank**_

_**(day of EXO’s first KBS Music Bank win)** _

_Baekhyun’s running off his nerves by rattling about his shower loofah to an uncomfortable member of some just-debuted group. Bangtan-something-something, but Luhan’s not good enough at Korean to recall and frankly too restless to think straight._

_Luhan looks down at his feet as he maneuvers his way through the crowded hallway to the EXO dressing room, muttering an apology when he bumps into someone._

_“Hey, calm down, Luhan-hyung.” Chanyeol’s voice cracks as he says it, but Luhan barely even hears him._

_Jongin has practically plastered himself onto Taemin, and Henry is desperately trying to calm Yixing and Zitao down._

_“Minwoo-hyung said that this is one of the biggest audiences for a Music Bank yet.” Minseok wrings his hands as he tells an unusually quiet Jongdae. As Luhan passes he tries to reassuringly pat Jongdae’s back, but it ends up a little too forceful and a little too stiff._

_Jongdae tries a grateful smile anyway._

_The door to the dressing room is left cracked open because with twelve members, stylists, managers, and event coordinators going in and out constantly, it's too much of a hassle to keep it closed. Luhan nearly runs into Yifan as he is exiting and they both merely grunt in apology, but in these circumstances it's okay. They don't mind because each know that the other means “calm down we’ll do great, we're here for each other don't worry, love you.”_

_Luhan scans the room. It reeks of hairspray and sweat, and the ground is barely walkable with bags and clothes thrown everywhere. Junmyeon is sitting on the couch in the corner, quietly talking with Kyungsoo with an anxious expression on his face._

_Sehun is laughing at his phone as a stylist fixes his hair._

_Luhan silently walks over to him, and the stylist leaves just as he gets there. Luhan watches Sehun in the mirror, watches how his shoulders shake a little as he laughs, how the bright glare of the artificial lights seem to glitter surreally off his skin, how his eyes sparkle when he lifts his head to meet Luhan’s gaze, how he stands up to wrap his arm around Luhan’s shoulder and grins._

_“What’s wrong, Lu-ge? You look like you just saw a ghost. Was it Yifan-hyung? I saw you bump into him as you--”_

_“How do you do it?” Luhan interrupts. He doesn’t mean to be rude, but the flurries in his stomach make it hard to concentrate._

_Sehun frowns. “Do what?”_

_“Be so calm. How are you not having a mental breakdown like the rest of us?” Luhan gestures vaguely towards the hallway and turns his head to look at Sehun directly._

_Sehun turns his head as well. “Because I’m with all of you.” He answers without hesitation._

_Luhan doesn’t understand._

_“As long as we’re all together, all twelve of us, I know I’ll be fine. As long as I remember that we’ll always be here for each other and we’ll always be together no matter what, I know that even if we don’t win tonight, we’ll be fine.”_

_Sehun takes a deep breath._

_“It doesn’t matter what other people think of us. We’re together as one, and that’s what counts.”_

_Luhan doesn’t remember when the youngest member became the wisest, but what he does remember is pulling Sehun into a tight embrace and holding him like that for who knows how long, and that at some point he feels wetness on his shoulder and hears a whisper in his ear saying, “I love you, hyung.”_

_Luhan doesn’t remember when saying the words “I love you too, Sehun-ah” started feeling so different, and doesn’t remember when hugging Sehun started making his heart beat so quickly, but what he does remember is interlacing his fingers with Sehun’s all the way to the stage after Junmyeon quietly tells them that EXO’s up soon, stylists frantically dabbing at Sehun’s makeup, and that it has never felt so right._

_They win with Wolf for the first time that evening. There’s crying and emotions and happiness everywhere the eye can see, and from that moment Luhan will remember one last thing: as long as he can help it, he will never leave his members -- his brothers -- behind._

_**15 May 2014** _

_“...Hyung, you’ll stay with us, right?”_

_“I promise you, Sehun-ah.”_

_**10 October 2014** _

_Sehun doesn’t remember when promises stopped being so important._

 

* * *

 

_**01 October 2016** ** **, Fukuoka Airport**** _

_**(20 days before Catch Me When I Fall M/V release)** _

Lu Han’s head spins. He wants to throw up. It’s all _wrong,_ it’s not _right._ He couldn’t possibly be in Fukuoka on the same day _they_ are because those chances are ridiculous and these things don’t just happen randomly because of some flight delay. That would make him a mere hundred meters away from _them,_ from _him._ Dimly he tries to calculate the exact probability of his plane getting rerouted to the same airport as the one people he has not met in two years are at, on the same day, at the same time, at the _same fucking time--_

Why was this happening? He could have flown straight to Tokyo. He could be sitting in a four-star hotel in the city, room shared with his manager because it costs more for separate rooms and money is something only people with over-wealthy companies and over-selling albums don’t have to worry about.

But no, he’s sitting in Fukuoka. A city he has never even been to before, even though he knows very well that he very much could have. And today is like a second chance, because he's here, here with the same people, the same people he would have been with before.

Lu Han stands up suddenly, and his manager startles at his abruptness.

“What’s wrong?” The slightly overweight man asks, glancing around nervously.

His manager can’t speak Korean -- only Mandarin and a little bit of Taiwanese.

He doesn’t tell him the actual reason, of course. Lu Han isn’t very close with his manager, as he’s always prefered being less scheduled, less over-scrutinized, more free. Another benefit of working solo in China: he has more control over the things he says and the choices he makes, the clothes he wears and the things he’s interested in.

“Bathroom.” Lu Han replies.

He shuffles slowly over to the walkway, self-consciously adjusting his mask. Lu Han knows he’s being extremely risky. If even a single person recognizes him and takes a picture, the entire internet will explode, rusted shrapnels of hate and rumors flung at him once more. The repercussions of being _caught_ (Lu Han hated that word) makes what he is doing, in any relatively sane mind, without a doubt not worth it.

But Lu Han has always been a little insane, and the opportunity is _there,_ practically being spoon-fed straight into his mouth. He's always been the type to play out the what-ifs and the could-haves and should-haves, so now he can't just give up a chance placed so perfectly in front of him.

Lu Han spots the Chinese couple in a crowd of fans by a roped off boarding zone and inconspicuously heads over to them, carefully squeezing his way to the front. There's a slow Japanese song quietly playing on the speakers overhead, and even though he can't understand the lyrics they sound familiar. It's like he's heard it before, but something's different, something's off.

Everywhere, Japanese girls are screaming eagerly and waving around signs and light sticks (wow, they've certainly upgraded). Cameras flash blindingly. Lu Han catches a few Korean _oppa’s_ and _saranghaeyo’s_ here and there, and immediately he feels a familiar panic pooling into his stomach. He can hear his heart beating forebodingly in his ears, and dread courses through him because it’s been a long, long time since he’s felt this way, but he knows that it’s never ended well.

Lu Han feels sick and his head hurts, his ears are ringing and he barely hears someone near him ask if he’s alright. Lu Han nods, swallowing carefully and breathing deeply through his mouth. The guy offers an arm for him to lean on and Lu Han gratefully accepts, desperately attempting to pull himself together. He knows how to handle it. He’s done it countless times in the past — he’s always forced it away, always hidden it behind a straight face and eyes glued to the ground. Just like he was taught, just like he was trained. He could handle it.

But wasn't that why he left? Because he couldn’t?

The guy, whom Lu Han recognizes as the Chinese dude from the couple from the boarding area, pats his back.

“Dude, are you sure you're okay? You look like you’re going to pass out.”

“I—I’m okay. I’m okay. Thanks man.” Lu Han pulls himself upright, swallowing the bitter taste in his mouth.

Chinese Dude gives him a grin. “Ha, you must be some fan, huh? This excited to see them?”

Lu Han’s eyes widen in fear. Of course, this guy was a fan. He knows about EXO, about their music and their origin, their members and very possibly him. Actually, scratch that. He probably definitely knows him — the guy is young and Chinese, and Lu Han, with reasonable certainty, isn’t exactly unknown in China either.

“Uh, haha, yeah, I’m a huge fan. I love them.”

Chinese Dude grins. “I don't follow them as much anymore,” He says ruefully. “But dude, I loved EXO, back in the day. But there weren't very many male fans out there, you know? Hey wait, look! It's Kai!”

Lu Han swings his head over so quickly he almost gets whiplash.

And in all his glory, is Kai. Kim Jongin. He’s wearing a black plaid shirt and a white medical mask. His hair is styled flawlessly as always, and even though he has earbuds in, Lu Han wants to shout his name, tell him that he’s here, tell him that he still knows the order for both versions of the Tree of Life and that he always teaches the other actors and actresses in his dramas how to play 007 Bang when they're on break, tell him that he still sings their songs in the shower...

And immediately he sees Chanyeol and Jongdae right behind him, adjusting grips on their bags as they walk out of the gangway, and his heart pangs because _look how much they’ve grown._

Someone from behind him runs into him just as he spots Junmyeon, face stoic and head down, and Lu Han loses his balance and stumbles forward, running into someone’s back. Hands grab onto his arms to steady him, and dizzily he grips back. He looks up, spluttering an embarrassed apology slightly muffled by his mask. His heart practically stops when he makes eye contact.

Minseok looks shocked, then mildly confused, then--

A security guard yanks on his jacket and shoves him tumbling back into the crowd. Lu Han pulls himself up quickly and looks back at Minseok, who’s stopped in his tracks and staring at him, mouth slightly agape and eyebrows furrowed just like he always does whenever he's trying to figure out something.

Suddenly a manager Lu Han doesn't recognize (SM must have replaced an old one) gently nudges him forward because _now is not the time to interact with fans._ Lu Han grits his teeth bitterly, because he's just a fan now, isn't he? Kyungsoo and Yixing come up to either side of Minseok and pat his back, ducking their heads and whispering lowly to him.

Minseok nods reluctantly and takes one last look at Lu Han. Lu Han stares back. He wants to say something, anything, because he has the feeling that Minseok _knows._

Minseok turns around and walks away.

Lu Han wants to shout, wants to cry, because did Minseok really just do that? Did he just leave, just turn his back on his fucking _best friend of four years_ and pretend like nothing happened? They haven't seen each other in two years, and he fucking acts like they don't even know each other?

Lu Han wants to shout, wants to cry, but he knows it isn't Minseok’s fault. What he’s thinking is ridiculous. Minseok can’t. They can’t. It’s the rule, drilled into the heads of every idol from the very beginning of training. _Don’t let them see your weaknesses. Pose and wave, smile through the flash, don’t let them see the bad._

But that’s why he left. Because he let them.

So in a way, it's his own fault.

 

* * *

 

_**03 August 2012, Gimpo International Airport - > Tokyo Haneda Airport** _

_**(day before SMTOWN in Tokyo Day 1)** _

_“Ladies and gentlemen, the Captain has turned on the Fasten Seat Belt sign…”_

_Humming to himself as he untangles his headphone cord, Luhan zones out as the flight attendant rambles on about seat belts, carry-on luggage, and folding trays._

_It was all the same anyway, Luhan thinks as he scrolls through his music library. Did anyone actually read the safety instructions in the seat pocket? Honestly, if he just took the pamphlet right now, he doubted anyone would notice anytime soon in the next four years._

_Luhan selects a slow Chinese ballad, one of hundreds on his phone because popular Chinese music was full of them these days, and closes his eyes. The past couple weeks had been exhausting, because perfecting EXO’s stages in preparation for the SMTOWN concert but also learning Lucifer with the SHINee members meant rest and a good night’s sleep had not been a viable option anytime recently._

_Plus the fact that he’s terrified of flying in airplanes, so Luhan is eager to pass out and not have to worry about tumbling out of the sky and having his lifeless body getting lost in the Sea of Japan for two painful hours. Luhan closes his eyes and the last thing he registers was the sound of the engines rumbling through the plane._

_It seems only a moment later, though, that he is being shaken awake by the shoulders._

_“What the hell?” Luhan grumbles, blearily blinking awake._

_“Hyung, hyung, I’m sorry but wake up, please.” Sehun’s voice is unusually raspy._

_Luhan squints and jolts awake once he sees Sehun’s blood-shot eyes and how flushed he is._

_“Sehun, oh my god, what’s wrong? Why are your eyes so red? Were you crying?” Luhan asks frantically, grasping the younger’s hand tightly._

_Sehun attempts to shake his head, but immediately stops and groans, clutching his head with his free hand._

_“It’s my head…” Sehun grits. “It started hurting just before we left the dorm, but it wasn’t that bad. I thought it would go away after an hour or so, but it got worse at the airport and now I feel like I just got hurled off Namsan Tower and shoved into a rice cooker or something.”_

_“Sehun!” Luhan gaped at him incredulously. “Why would you not tell anyone! You haven’t been getting enough sleep lately because you’ve been overworking yourself -- didn’t Baekhyun have to come bring you back to the dorms from the practice rooms last night! It’s no wonder you’re sick now!”_

_“I’m not sick,” Sehun protests. “I just have a small headache. Do you have any water or something? I didn’t get any when the flight attendants came over earlier, and no one else brought any.”_

_“What? Are you sure? Did you ask Junmyeon and the managers?” Luhan is already reaching for his bag._

_Sehun attempts a nod but groans again, and bites his knuckle to muffle it. “Junmyeon-hyung said he finished his at the airport and forgot to fill it up again, and the managers are next to Kyungsoo-hyung and Zitao-hyung over there.” Sehun waves an arm vaguely in the direction to where the mentioned members sit several rows away. “They’re too far away.”_

_“Sehun, holy Jesus, you should have asked me from the start! Here, of course I have water. And have some Advil too -- you actually look like you’re going to pass out if you don’t take anything in the next five minutes.” Luhan frantically rummages through his bag and pulls out a half-drunk bottle he bought at the airport and a small white bottle of medication._

_Sehun eagerly takes the water, but shoves away the Advil. “I’m fine, I don’t need any. I’m not sick or anything. I’ll be fine. Thanks for the water, hyung.”_

_“Oh Sehun.” Luhan snatches the bottle from Sehun’s grasp before he even opens it._

_Sehun looks up at Luhan in shock. “Wha--?”_

_Sehun looks so blatantly ill. Luhan’s eye twitches in annoyance. What is he thinking, trying to deny it? Even under the dim light of the airplane and the layer of airport makeup, Sehun’s face is sickly thin, his heavy eye bags standing out against his fever-flushed skin. His eyes are questioning, and he looks so delicate it's as if he would shatter at even the slightest touch._

_“Sehun, you have to take this Advil. You’re going to kill yourself tomorrow if you don’t.” Luhan says softly, setting the water bottle down in his lap and shaking a red pill out of the container._

_“Hyung, I’m honestly completely fine, I just need some water.”_

_Sehun reaches out to take the water back, but Luhan reflexively grabs his wrist and pulls him forwards so their foreheads are pressed together. Sehun’s ears turn pink, and his eyes quickly avert away from Luhan’s. Luhan feels his heart race; he can feel Sehun’s breath on his cheek. Their faces are barely centimeters apart and the butterflies in his stomach are doing somersaults, and Luhan is pretty certain that Sehun_ must _be sick with something because it seems to Luhan, from his own racing pulse and flushing face, that he’s starting to get it too._

_Luhan can feel how warm Sehun’s forehead is, and he furrows his eyebrows. Why the hell is this kid insisting that he isn’t sick? Sehun bites his lip and awkwardly leans back towards the window to create distance between them._

_Wait, why are they like this again? Oh yeah, Luhan thinks. The water and the Advil. He didn’t plan to get this close. It just sort of… happened. Luhan internally shrugs. Sehun’s being a brat and needs to take this Advil, so whatever it takes (Luhan also won’t admit that he_ really _enjoys seeing Sehun so flustered and being so close to him, but that’s completely irrelevant). Luhan smirks and subtly unbuckles his seatbelt._

_“Lu…” Sehun mumbles, eyes still fixated on the armrest._

_Luhan wraps an arm around Sehun’s waist and pulls him back closer to him. Smiling coyly as he sees Sehun blush even pinker, he waves the tablet in front of Sehun’s face._

_“C’mon, open up.”_

_Sehun’s eyes flicker up to meet Luhan’s, and Luhan almost drops the pill. His gaze is unsettling, filled with something strange, something disconcertingly strong. Hesitantly Sehun opens his mouth and Luhan shifts in his seat to press even closer, if that were even possible, and cheers to himself as he hears Sehun’s breath hitch. Luhan plops the tablet into Sehun’s mouth and Luhan thinks for a split second that it should be awkward, why isn’t it awkward? But the thought leaves his mind as quickly as it entered because he honestly couldn't care less when Sehun is front of him, cheeks flushed so adorably, eyes sparkling so beautifully, face so delicately innocent and for once, so vulnerable._

_Luhan’s heart pounds as he realizes that for some reason, he is the only one who can get Sehun to a state this pure, this unguarded. Perhaps it was something with being the youngest and needing to prove that he wasn’t a child anymore, or perhaps it was just intrinsically in Sehun’s personality, but he always seemed to set up a wall of maturity, of wariness, around himself. He wouldn’t let anyone get so close, wouldn’t let anyone see him so fragile, but whenever Luhan was with Sehun…_

_Gently Luhan brings a hand to lie on the back of Sehun’s neck, elbow resting on the armrest. His fingers play with the small baby hairs at the nape, and Luhan feels his entire body shiver as he feels Sehun brings his hands to rest on Luhan’s arms._

_“Sehun…”_

_“Hey Luhan-hyung, do you have any Advil? Chanyeol isn't feeling too--oh, er, am I interrupting something?”_

_Luhan nearly tumbles backwards into the aisle. Sehun jumps in his seat, and they two let go of each other immediately. Luhan clears his throat, his face burning and refusing to look at Sehun. What the hell just happened?_

_“Here’s your water, Sehun.” Luhan says, handing the bottle over._

_“Er, thanks…” Sehun says uncomfortably._

_Baekhyun stands next to them sheepishly, scratching the back of his head. “Sorry, er, Chanyeol’s feeling kind of sick, but I’ll come back later if you want…”_

_“No, it’s okay, Baekhyun. Here’s the Advil. Do you have water?” Luhan says briskly, trying to brush off the tingling feeling in his arms._

_“Er, yeah. Chanyeol got some from the flight attendants earlier. Thanks, man.” Baekhyun says, taking the bottle._

_“Tell Chanyeol-hyung to get better soon.” Sehun says, and Baekhyun smiles weakly._

_“Thanks, I will. You too.”_

_Luhan watches him shuffle back to his seat a row behind them, on the opposite side of the plane. Chanyeol’s head leans against the window, asleep, and Baekhyun shakes him gently. Chanyeol wakes up groggily, and Baekhyun says something that Luhan can’t quite catch. Chanyeol looks bewildered. Baekhyun shows him the bottle and Chanyeol shakes his head._

_Luhan sighs and looks away. Kids these days and refusing to take medication. He was really getting too old for this. Luhan sits there staring at the headrest in front of him, and out of the corner of his eye he can see Sehun doing the same. They don’t say anything, but after a couple moments of awkward silence, Luhan lightly touches Sehun’s wrist._

_Warm fingers quickly reach to intertwine with his own, and Luhan smiles._

 

* * *

 

_**01 October 2016, Fukuoka Airport** _

_**(20 days before Catch Me When I Fall M/V release)** _

_**(day before EXO Planet #3 – The EXO'rDIUM in Fukuoka)** _

****“...Hey, shit, man. Sorry about that. I--er--are you okay?”

Lu Han takes a deep breath. “I--I’m fine.” He forces a smile onto his face. “At least he noticed me, right? Haha…”

“Yeah, haha…” The guy who ran into him says. The guy’s girlfriend mutters something to him and he turns away speak to her.

Lu Han takes a deep breath. How long has it been? Surely the plane must be here by now. Perhaps he should hurry away so he doesn’t miss his flight. His manager is probably wondering where he is. Who was left? Did he need to stay longer to see–

_Sehun._

It’s Sehun. Oh Sehun, _Sehunnie, Hunnie, Hun._

Lu Han can’t breathe. He looks so...different. He’s grown so much taller, probably at least five centimeters taller than Lu Han at this point. His shoulders are broader, and when did he become so muscular? Underneath a black cap Lu Han can see blonde hair, and even through the white face mask Sehun wears, Lu Han can tell that his face has grown more chiseled, more mature.

Sehun grew up.

Lu Han is in shock, but what did he expect? For him to have stayed the same? It’s been two years, of course he’s changed. And yet, for some reason, Lu Han had expected to see the Sehun that he last saw two years ago. He expected the same lanky, skinny boy that was always attached to him like glue, the Sehun with caramel brown hair and a rounder, softer face, the Sehun that secretly held his hand backstage at music shows, the Sehun that dragged him out for bubble tea at 3AM after practices, the Sehun that had begged on his knees that one evening two years ago, for him to _please, please don’t leave, you promised me._

Lu Han’s nails dig into his palms. He’s learned to numb the aching over the years. He's kept himself busy, always filming variety shows, always acting in a new drama, always preparing new music. Sometimes days, weeks go by without him thinking about it. But right now he’s walking right in front of them, breathing the same air and standing less than ten meters away, and he expects to fall back in.

Yet… Lu Han’s mind flashes with the memories of the past few years. It’s a storm. A storm of emotions blurring together and some standing out more than others, yet at the end, these most recent months, he realizes, have been a rainbow.

There must be something beneath him holding him up, something beneath him keeping him afloat on that raft he’s been balancing on for the past few years, something keeping him from falling back in.

Suddenly Lu Han realizes that the raft he’s started that journey alone on, to escape that island that he loved, that he truly did love, yet felt confined him, was no longer. It was now a mighty ship, an indestructible vessel, unbreakable, and he was free. He’s worked to build himself this all this time, independent, powerful, fighting through the storm.

But after a storm, comes a calm.

It’s an eerie calm. Lu Han knows the gravity of the situation, yet he can't feel anything. He’s…empty. Void. Lu Han can feel his pulse in the tips of his fingers, his senses are hyperalert yet he can barely hear the shrieks of fans as he stares at Sehun’s face, hungrily taking in as much of him as he can, desperately trying to get Sehun to turn and look at him. Old habits die hard, he supposes, because he wants to see Sehun’s expression when he realizes that Lu Han is there, wants to read his mind and know _exactly_ what Sehun is thinking when he looks into Lu Han’s eyes for the first time in two years.

Except… except Sehun is too busy talking and laughing and grinning at Baekhyun to even notice a typical Asian dude wearing black jeans, a white T-shirt, and a red hoodie standing awkwardly in the crowd. Lu Han dressed to look unrecognizable, and in a startlingly humbling shock he realizes that it’s worked, it’s worked too well, so well that Sehun will never look at him the same way he used to ever again, will never speak to Lu Han the same way he used to ever again. He will never know Lu Han the same way he used to ever again.

But after the calm, comes the sun.

Lu Han turns away when the phone in his pocket vibrates. It’s probably his manager, wondering where he is because the airplane’s arrived and it’s time to board.

It’s odd, Lu Han thinks, as the desk attendant scans his passport. He expects heartache, the same kind of helplessness that he feels whenever he watches those dramas where the main male lead dies. Because when he closes his eyes, he sees the fingers that would always interlace with his own, each touch promising an unbreakable promise for the future, instead entwined with someone else’s, and promising that promise to someone that wasn’t him.

He expects the pain, he’s waiting for it, but it’s not there. It’s a feeling he hasn’t really recently felt, but in the past four years he knows he’d must’ve felt it at least a million times. It’s _pride_ that Lu Han feels instead, pride in himself, because he’s made it this far on his own, because he’s the lead role in a drama and about to release ten singles in the next year, because he’s started his own studio and modeled for dozens of magazines, featured in countless television commercials and performed for millions of people at a time on national television.

Lu Han lifts his luggage into the overhead bin. There’s pride in his old friends, too, for working harder and making it so far on _their_ own. And silently, deep in his heart, there’s pride in Sehun especially, for moving on and at last being happy, with someone else fulfilling the promise that Lu Han himself could not.

The flight attendants start their safety demonstration, and Lu Han pulls out his earbuds and scrolls through his music library. He smiles.

As much as he loved that island, he’s finally, _finally,_ reached mainland.


End file.
